Fine Avoider Pillows

'My last book did not have a happy ending. I had to pay a fine.'

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

College kid rakes up his clothes on the floor in messy dorm room

'You forgot to pay the gravity bill, didn't you?'

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

' I hit two good balls today - when I stepped on that rake.'

'They made it like that so the kids wouldn't bother you.'

Sawdust.

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

The life-changing magic of shoving everything into a huge Hefty bag and leaving it for somebody else to deal with.

"I do diet...between snacks."

'It's not flying I'm afraid of -- it's driving to the airport!'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

"I still haven't cleaned up from the party."

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

Book from the Library of Alexandria. Woman says: 'Have you seen how overdue this book is?'

'Open wide.' 'Your wallet.'

"Wow. That guy on psychic chat line is really good. He told me our next phone bill would be bigger than usual!"

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

"It's a great invention, but what if it leads to UTILITY BILLS?"

Is there any history of not paying medical bills in your family? M.D.

"My doctor told me to avoid any unecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill."

'Unfortunately, Mr.Beckons, your son Dean is very allergic to grass. . .'

'It doesn't matter, Mr. Katz — you're overweight standard or metric.'

Worm running away from hook.

"But this is the way we've always done it."

'I went to the city once, but I couldn't get used to the crowds'.

'Yeah, I guess I have kind of let it go.'

Escaped Fish

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

"Final demand! Does that mean they'll stop pestering us?"

The new, improved "Hide-A-Dysfunction" Slip Cover

'I have a terrible fear of paying bills.'