Financial Sleuth Pillows

"Invest? No offense, but I've read about you guys."

'We believe numbers don't lie, especially when interpreted advantageously.'

"Well, the books balance - assets and liabilities match to the penny."

"First of all I'd like to congratulate you on your cunning and ingenuity."

'I'll show you what's in mine if you'll show me what's in yours.'

"The bank examiners are here, oh!...I see you already know."

'How come you're questioning my petrol bill?'

"I'm sorry, Mr. Holmes, but we just can't allow all these deductions."

You have all your cancelled checks and receipts. What are you trying to hide?

'It has been a disastrous year, we haven't made any money at all.'

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

'Don't blame us. Blame the customers we mis-sold insurance to, for having the audacity to claim compensation.'

"We're going to need the best forensic accountants money can buy."

Have you seen my money?

"You know my motto: Ready, aim . . . audit."

"I wish you would stop asking customers how much filthy lucre they're depositing."

The Loophole

'Your money? -- does it or does it not have 'United States Treasury' printed on it?'

"Crunch the numbers to dust so I can tell the auditor that the answers are blowing in the wind."

"Nice try, Mr. Willis, but it won't make any difference."

'There's lies, damn lies, and tax returns.'

'It took me years to learn how to look at taxpayers like a hungry predator looks at it's helpless prey!'

Assets: For us to know and you to find out.

The Auditor

'Care to hear about a millionaire who makes over a million dollars a week and pays no income tax?'

'I know that numbers do lie since I happen to work for the IRS.'

'There IS greater interest on your account. The IRS want you to call them.'

'We've gone through your books and we demand payment in cash.'

Tell him his partner is here.

'Do you want this set of books, or the set you keep in the broom cupboard?'

Book Keeping Under the Spotlight

"It's complicated but I think the relationship is fairly clear!"

'Oh, did we forget to tell you the part about the cash value of your life insurance?'

"...could you bring me in a gotcha form?"

I need your help to hide a lot of money I just, um, came into. I'm sorry