Financial News Junkie Pillows

"On Wall Street today, the stock market corrected its previous correction, and is pretty sure it's got it right this time."

'Stocks dropped on news that the only certainty in life is 'uncertainty'.'

'Today, in the stock market, 'irrational exuberance' was up, 'caution' was down.'

Stock Market Unplugged.

'I'm going to suggest a stock that has outperformed the market for the last three hours.'

'Today a ray of hope . . .'

"Can't you forget the FT for once?"

Stocks ended the year with and upturn... On news that all's well that ends well.

'It's not a recession...You tell him that!'

'We need more expert analysis than 'the stock market was down, because it wasn't up.''

'You're watching too much financial news. Your blood pressure rises and falls inversely to the stock market.'

"We've added cheerleaders for when the market hit 30,000."

'Today's stock market downer is sponsored by the maker of uppers...'

Some stocks went up and some went down.

'Stocks plummeted today, on forecasts that tomorrow will be warm and muggy.'

'You're watching the stock market wayyy too closely.'

'The dollar is falling! The dollar is falling!'

'He used to swear by the stock market. Now he swears at it.'

'If you think the traditional stress test is too risky, how about watching CNBC for an hour?'

Stocks declined on news that everyone is playing online poker instead of playing the stock market.

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! The price of oil is plummeting. So why're all my stocks doing so badly? I own 500 shares of Big-Box-Store Inc., 300 of Useless-Crudco, and 400 of Mindless-Consumerism Conglomerated. With gas prices so low, people have a lot more money to blow on consumer goods, so the market should be booming! I don't get it! First of all, oil is falling because there's too much supply. And having too much gas is never a good thing. Wait ... this isn't "Money Talk"?

The Wall Street Tattler

Trial by Media

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Who will determine Venezuela's future?

Squeezing the Free Press.

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"What I do is pick up the morning paper, go through it carefully, and then, depending on how I feel about things, I either say the Pledge of Allegiance, stand there and do nothing, or walk out of the classroom."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Trump pardons