Financial Market Buff Pillows

'You're beat. Maybe you need to wake up to a better morning news team.'

Title: Political candidate focused on minor issues of interest to few

The day the stock market went UP.

Large Dollar Sign Office Block

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"To summarize the year: we were taken over, we took over, we were taken over and we took over."

"He'll do anything to say in power."

'This is where I hang out until bullishness makes a comeback.'

Shareholders Meeting: 'Mr Kenny will now take friendly fire from the audience.'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'Oh, no! It's all in euros!'

'The bad news is that we lost a lot of money last quarter... The good news is that it was a record.'

That Awkward Moment When You Discover That Wall Street's Insanity Is Helping You

Standard & Poor

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

The symbol for the euro (?) depicted as the wheel of a wheelchair, symbolising the state of the currency

"And this right here was our weekend in the Hamptons."

"I wouldn't stand there, if I were you."

You invested in Facebook?! How could you? That bugs you? You, of all people, are mad that the FTC is suing Meta Platforms in an antitrust case? No, I mean how can you afford to invest? If you can afford to buy stock, then I pay you way too much. It was only $40! Quiet, I'm calculating your pay cut.

I brake for federal bailouts.

'...and the Nikkei closed down on the day.'

'He'll love this cologne. It has the scent of an undervalued stock.'

"Right now I'm mostly in cash."

Mr. Dow meeting Mr. Jones

'Money, I'm home!'

"Today we welcome back an old friend."

'Mr Sims, in honor of your portfolio, we're flying our flag at half-mast.'

"I told you everyone would come as a bull or a bear..."

'But it didn't cost anything, dear! I did it all off balance-sheet!'

'I just checked my portfolio and it's worth a small fortune. Unfortunately, I started with a large fortune.'

'Harold took the advice of the 'experts' and only invested in things he understood, which is why our portfolio consists entirely of Anheuser-Busch and Phillip Morris.'

America's funniest investment scams

The truth about the death of the Dinosaurs.