Financial Loss Pillows

'Since I lost my shirt on the stock market, I now only accept strong currency or gold bullion.'

'Didn't listen to my investor's advice.'

'I was only a millionaire on paper, but somehow it became real money when I lost it.'

'What do you buy the man who has lost everything?'

'That was taken after I lost everything.'

"Nothing in my hat. Nothing up my sleeve. And as of right now, ladies and gentlemen, nothing at all left in my goddamn portfolio."

'You look familiar? Weren't you once my high-commission broker?'

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

'My wife left me and I lost my fortune. Well, not in this order.'

Gorilla investment tactics.

Therapy Clinic: Now Treating - Workers who Lost Jobs in a 'Rightsizing.' Investors who lost their money in a 'correction'.

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

"I was so busy worrying that she only loved me because of my money that I lost her AND the money!"

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Danger Slow Sand.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

'Yo-you Ma will now raise our spirits and assuage our pain.'

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

'Don't bother cleaning out your desk. We'll be hiring you back as a consultant for half the salary and no benefits.'

"Dear, did something happen at the office?"

"Ralph's smart car not only drives better than he does, it also works better. So we fired him and hired the car."

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

'I knew if we waited long enough, heaven would downsize.'

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Between Offices

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm worried about keeping it.'

I.O.U. one pot of gold.

'The golden eggs are great... but I need you to lay a golden parachute.'

"How have you managed to keep your job?"

St. Elmo's fired.