Financial Counseling Gifts

"You owe us more than your house is worth. One of our depositors will be moving in with you to help even things out."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

The day the stock market went UP.

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Yay!!! I died rich!"

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

Annual profits,

"If I made as much as him, I could retire in a couple of days"

Watering Money

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

E.U. Banking Union.

"Cash, Jordan. That's what separates man from the apes."

'Dammit - how do we get in on that gross national product?'

'If only I'd spent as much time on my investment portfolio as I did on my lolly mix when I was a kid.'

I'm not making enough money to like you.

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

Day trading.

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

'When investment bankers give parental advice'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

Graph Your Relatives!

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."