Financial Adviser Gifts

"Right now I think the wisest strategy is to diversify among your mattresses."

'My advice is: Don't put all your eggs in one basket.'

'And now over to Mrs Miggins for our financial forecasts...'

'You're part of the 6% we won't be lending money to...'

'It's a market vane. It helps me keep track of the trade winds.'

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

'It's his only form of exercise these days...chasing yield.'

'I'm not interested in minimum risk. I want long term gains without risk.'

'I'm in equities and mutual funds. You?'

'Now that's the kind of 'outside the box' thinking I've been talking about.'

'You need a better long-term strategy than winning powerball.'

'And why is liquidity so important to you?'

'We have three confirmations, the crystal ball, the magic 8-ball and the coin flip, all say to buy.'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

'Have you thought about aging slower? Your 401(k) is in terrible shape.'

'My problem is that I invested in liabilities that I thought were assets.'

'Aren't you afraid of inaccuracies on your credit report?'

"Your money was working for you, but it suddenly quit and now it's working for me!"

'We thought he was providing calm, thoughtful guidance through the financial crisis. Turns out he was just taking a nap.'

'You could put it all into bricks - but i recommend diversifying your investment to include sticks and straw as a hedge.'

'To begin with, yoiu'll need assets.'

'Sorry, I don't do financial advice.'

'I'm just saying, relying on change under the couch cushion is a risky retirement plan.'

Past Performance in No Guarantee of Future Results.

"I guess that's one strategy for dealing with recent market volatility."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'I see you've listed your assets as totaling 100,000, but that's based on counting the street value of your organs,'

'You go without me. I'm feeling a little down today.'

'Right now I'd say our biggest asset is our credit card debt.'

"Help! I haven't saved enough for retirement!"

"Do you have any working capital?"

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'This fortune cookie says, 'You will have good luck investing in emerging markets, fortune cookie & Chopstick Trading Company of Singapore.''

'I've lost faith in what Warren Buffett says to do, so I'm switching to what Jimmy Buffett says.'

'Don't worry about it. You're buying compulsion is perfectly normal.'