Financial Advice Seeker Pillows

I'm concerned about my broker. He advised me to keep 60 in stocks, 25 in bonds and 35 in cash.

A customer in a bank sees a sign reading, "Tipping Permitted", beside a teller's window.

"Let's just say the value of your account has gone from jumbo to fun size."

'Why can't I deduct my trip to Youngstown? I'm a youth pastor.'

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

'Let me through, I'm at Doctor.com.'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Investments - remember, you are what you invest in!

Will work for ETFs

"Great plan. Could we get some more details?"

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'I know you're looking for a safe investment but have you ever heard of anyone getting wealthy investing in a bank account?'

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

'Sure, real estate prices are sky-high, but kings don't sell their castles, and that's that.'

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'Straight eye for the queer guy.'

"Here's what you wanted – a strategy to live abundantly, build capital, surpass your peers and disappoint your heirs."

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

"You never actually own a pension pot - you merely look after it for the next government."

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"I'm a good risk for a business loan because I put 110% effort into my business."

'I took your advice and told him either I get a raise or I quit!'

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

Snowflake Investments...penny stocks, junk bonds: 'Here today, gone tomorrow!'

Portfolio, 2011

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

'You go without me. I'm feeling a little down today.'

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'It's a type of credit card that self destructs when it reaches the limit I've set for you.'

Investments.

'What do you mean your telling me, 'stash it under the bed' is your best advice in the current financial climate?'

"And they say it's the safest 500-P/E stock out there."

Constructive Criticism 50c.

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'Where you went wrong' Desk.