Financial Advice Seeker Pillows

'According to this, you owe $57.32 in late fees for the book 'Getting By on a Shoestring Budget'.'

I'm concerned about my broker. He advised me to keep 60 in stocks, 25 in bonds and 35 in cash.

A customer in a bank sees a sign reading, "Tipping Permitted", beside a teller's window.

"Let's just say the value of your account has gone from jumbo to fun size."

'Why can't I deduct my trip to Youngstown? I'm a youth pastor.'

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

'Let me through, I'm at Doctor.com.'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Investments - remember, you are what you invest in!

Will work for ETFs

"Great plan. Could we get some more details?"

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

'I know you're looking for a safe investment but have you ever heard of anyone getting wealthy investing in a bank account?'

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'Sure, real estate prices are sky-high, but kings don't sell their castles, and that's that.'

"Here's what you wanted – a strategy to live abundantly, build capital, surpass your peers and disappoint your heirs."

'Straight eye for the queer guy.'

"You never actually own a pension pot - you merely look after it for the next government."

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

Portfolio, 2011

Snowflake Investments...penny stocks, junk bonds: 'Here today, gone tomorrow!'

"I'm a good risk for a business loan because I put 110% effort into my business."

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

Accountant Bedtime Stories

'I took your advice and told him either I get a raise or I quit!'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

'You go without me. I'm feeling a little down today.'

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'It's a type of credit card that self destructs when it reaches the limit I've set for you.'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

'What do you mean your telling me, 'stash it under the bed' is your best advice in the current financial climate?'

"And they say it's the safest 500-P/E stock out there."

Investments.