Film Noir Connoisseur T-Shirts

"We've got kind of a noir thing happening here, Manny. The girlie cigarette doesn't exactly add."

hard-boiled egg...

Reading my Critics

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

'I don't care how you do it...just make it look like an accident.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"It was Saturday night. The clock on my office wall showed the time to be eleven-forty-five. There are times when a private eye does not necessarily feel like being a private eye. This was one of those times. The elevator door down the hall clanked open with a clank familiar to anyone on the fourth floor who had had an office on the fourth floor for as long as I had had an office on the fourth floor. Footsteps came down the darkened hall and stopped outside my door. They were the footsteps of a

Film Lovers.

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Time Machine Collision.

"Aha Mr. Bond - you are in my power!....but instead of just killing you, I'll blether on and on about my plans for world domination so you have time to think of an ingenious way to escape my clutches..."

Jack Nicholson

Cosa Nostradamus: "Listen, you mook. I predict if you don't pay the vig to the Don by tonight you'll be at the bottom of the Hudson by morning."

'Business was slow, slower than a fat tortoise with a limp. The phone hadn't rung for so long I thought it must be out of order. The new competition was good, very good. Who was this 'Google' guy?'

Robert Mitchum

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Diary of a DNA Cop

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Chills, Randy. I feel chills. And I can't move." "And I can't remember the last time my palms were this sweaty." "This must've been what people felt like when they heard the Allies were finally invading Normandy on D-Day." "No way any movie can live up to this hype." "Wolverine day is almost upon us." "We are about to embark upon the great crusade..."

Barbed Pen

Uneasy Rider

Al Pacino

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Peter Lorre caricature

Phantom of Casablanca

At Mary Higgins Clark's book club.

Noir kitty.

"Someday a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the street. But today, expect occasional sprinkles."