Film Festival T-Shirts

Goldilocks at Sundance.

Computer wheeled down red carpet at film premiere. TV presenter says: 'Now, at last, here comes the real star of the movie!'

"Bloody hell!"

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

"I'm very proud. Someone I've been stalking has been nominated for an Academy Award."

Now showing, the Monster from Space.

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"But it makes you feel like you're right there."

Cannes Film Festival Heels Controversy

Movies through the decades.

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

"For your enjoyment: Please turn off electronic devices, close your eyes, and cover your ears."

Rialto: a brief respite between the summer deluge of bottom-feeder crap and the winter deluge of upscale crap

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

'My agent told me to bring some arm candy.'

"Can we do that again tomorrow night?"

Pete Townshend Vineyards

"Guess who brought king cake!"

Mardi Gras

Face painting.

"Meet the author"

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

Bacchus.

Southwark Fair.

Peephole in a pile of presents (colour).

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"Well, that's the only song we know, so we can play it another two or three times, or we can cut our losses. Waddya say, Cleveland?"

'Looks like someone beat us to the punch.'

"Oh, we're not religious. We only go on the solstices and equinoxes."

High security Santa's grotto

Happy Easter

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

"I'm sorry, but my costs were way out of control."