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The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack's Christmas Story

Eco-Anxiety For All Seasons

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

"I only want one thing for Christmas. Straighten out Congress."

Night of the Living Reindeer

"A nutcracker!! Hey...this thing looks used."

"I'm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons which I confess are sentimental, I feel I must, just this once, decline my services to Scotland Yard."

'A 1982 bottle of KMart Beaujolais Nouveau? You shouldn't have, really. I mean you really, really shouldn't have...really.'

'My Christmas bonus.'

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

Arthur Conan Doyle, MD, observes a passerby who has touch stains on his fingers, paint on his trousers and plaster on his jacket, and quickly deduces the man is a slob.

'OK, it's a deal: I'll get you a Christmas Turkey if you get me a big Salmon...'

Undercover Santa

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

Trainspotter spotting: 'Gosh! A type 406 with original thermos.'

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

Extreme Carolling

"Well, of course my DNA was found at the scene, it's Christmas Eve!"

Hiding in a cupboard for a few hours helped Tom survive the festive season.

"I'm afraid we don't have anything on the books that offers the 364 days off a year that you're looking for."

Snowman Murder

'I'm afraid I can't find anything that matches your current salary of sixty million cookies, and twenty thousand gallons of milk.'

"We need the naughty/nice list for all holidays."

"What were those songs you were singing?"

'we're sorry son - Father Christmas failed his CRB check.'

'If you're not happy with the cobwebs we can re-arrange them of course'.

'Santa Claus really does exist! I just found his website.'

'Let's be careful this morning, the patient's wife informed me that he broke a chain-letter recently.'

"Whoa! Looks like a worker's comp thing, Carl."

A man peeping through keyholes ends up with a keyhole imprint on his face.

Easter 2021

Christmas Burnout.

'I'm sorry, but I can't offer you the job of 'Santa's little helper'.'

Missing Santa