Feelings Detective Pillows

'Now read that back to me.'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

University Soapflakes

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

Go ahead and dissect me

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"Unfortunately, at this age I express glee and stark raving terror in the exact same way."

"I pick up on people's pain, Alexander. What's wrong?"

'A mother complex! Are you sure?'

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"I'm not happy."

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"These feelings of yours aren't unusual - in fact, several of them have Web sites."

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"My aloofness is a mask."

'Roger, I think we need to talk about your trouble with intimacy.'

"There's a rumour going around my head that you don't love me."

Hipster Police Department

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"It's not what you think."

"Is there anyone else in your life I should know about?"

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

"I've been feeling more transparent."

"Your empathy is making it hard to breathe."

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

'Of course I love her - but I'm not in love with her.'

"We're compatible in every way. That's my concern; we have nothing to argue about."

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"He wouldn't let me in, he wouldn't let me stay, he wouldn't let me out."