Fatherhood Analyst T-Shirts

'My dad was a workaholic...' 'Mine was a drunken stumbblebum.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'I'm not so sure I'm a problem child. Maybe you're a problem parent.'

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

'They sort of grow on you.'

'I'm begging you, please don't let me go!'

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

Fathers Saluting Each Other.

'All those years of teaching me to walk and talk. . . now all they want is for me to sit down and shut up!'

Temptation.

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

'A rocking horse? Boy! What will they think of next?!'

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Well ok....but in your case I'll need DNA proof!"

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

"Use your indoor gun."

'How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good.'

"Philip has questioned my stewardship."

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'