Farce Enthusiast Gifts

"I've brought the wrong tickets...And I've come to the wrong show."

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

Support the Ex-Troops

"Thor! I am Thor! Ha. Just kidding. I'm Tom the Seagull."

Police Feline Unit

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."

"His first out-of-body experience."

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'Joe took the day off to go to the ball game. So I'll be sitting in for him until he gets back. Would you like me to fetch you something?'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

Torturing the English Language

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

Pretty Flowers

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

Dog Walking Services