Family Values Champion Pillows

"Yes, dear - now that gay marriage is banned - this wonderful institution of marriage is safe!"

Didn't that fancy business college I sent you to teach you anything dishonest?

"If you work hard, get a good education and live life with dignity...you control your destiny! But first you have to take out the trash."

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

"I consider every member of our family to be like family."

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

"You're adopted."

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

Family traits.

"It's important to women that a man has a good relationship with his mother."

"Gracie, we're rich because we love one another...we have a safe home and we don't go to bed hungry at night."

"This is my son...I want him to work his way up all the way from the bottom- even if it takes all day."

"And if that day comes, sweetie, just make sure your wedding album is inclusive-looking."

'That's it? Listen to my mom?'

"That's Stuart and Vivian Muntner. They're a one-marriage family."

Annual caring for elderly parent marathon.

"You're the one who should be 'Time's' man of the year."

Marry one wife, get another one free - 'It's our new incentive for marriage.'

Yesterday of Minnesota.

"Nothing like taking a few weeks off to spend time with the kids Eh!"

"I like being a kid - it's the ultimate entitlement program."

"I love the way you make me rethink my commitment to family values."

Something without the sexual connotation, please.

"Fred Homerson! How are you? How's the wife? The kids? The traditional family values?"

'He helps keep me focused on what matters most.'

The Faith-Based Family

Mom First Aid

"All I'm saying is that family values are really important to all of us. For example...I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. You?"

Leaving family

'I was very upset when I found my son smoking a whole bag of pot by himself... I've always taught him to share.'

"Am I talent or product?"

'Your mother can whip up a great meal, kids, while at the same time, suppressing her hopes, dreams and aspirations.'

Nepotism

"I could never. Too much pressure."

To promote family values, I propose we establish a 'marriage-breakup tax!'