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B**tard, B**tard & B**tard - Genealogists

Family DNA

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

'He's not my Daddy: He's my great great grandfather...'

Well, I'll be...Dutch Elm Disease!

'I'm tracing my relatives.'

Alvin, genealogist extraordinaire, traces his roots back to the first amoeba.

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

"Mum, just curious: when you did the family tree, did you research all the way back to our ancestors on Noah's ark?"

"We've found your birth mother."

After spending months researching his family tree, Mr Henshaw could think of little else.

'Omigosh! According to your resume, we share the same father!'

Man at desk researching through papers.

"Albert Morris? But I've spent the last six months researching Alberta Morris?!"

She's got your eyes.

Related

"Don't bother wasting your money on DNA testing. The results all come back, 'Ape.'"

'Last year Frank tried tracing back his roots but came back empty!'

"Our ancestors used all the hair genes."

Boris Johnson related to Mummy

"Let's see now...genealogy books...genealogy books..."

'I started a family tree too, but I gave it up fairly quickly: Way too many relatives...'

"I think my grandmother might have married him and brought him home after the war, since then he's just been sat by the fire..."

"Wow. I share DNA with Moby Dick!"

"And these are my ancestors. . . Malcom. The mighty, Simon the Strong, Byron the Brave. . . And Fenwick the Flatulent . . . We don't talk about him much!"

'Your DNA test results are now in.'

"...then I take out one of these, ll them it's an ancestor, and try to sell it to them."

Son, I'm adopted

"You're the hardest client we've ever had."

"Howard is my second husband once removed."