Family-tension Diffuser Gifts

"You just want an excuse not to spend Xmas with my family."

My First Camera

"Why do leaves change color?"

"My boss says I intimidate people. . . so I stared at him until he apologized."

Family sitting on sofa.

'I couldn't practice last night on account of my Dad's head was gonna' explode.'

Holiday Travel.

'Look, mom! They ran out of trick or treat candy, so they gave us these kittens!'

"Sometimes I think they hired me just to take the blame."

"Think about it: Toby's the only ram here, so we have to be half brothers!"

"This is my son...I want him to work his way up all the way from the bottom- even if it takes all day."

'He looks a bit like both of you.'

Freak Family.

Daughter/psychiatrist

'Ready? Everybody freeze...'

Family wearing shin guards to protect against the kid in a play car.

"You're holding a lot of homophobia in your lower back."

Sharing sweets with dad.

"The boss just stopped and squinted at me! Either I"m in big trouble or he's lost is glasses again."

'You made $50,000 less than in the previous year? Gee, I really feel sorry for you guys in the private sector.'

"There's just so much hostility I can dish out in one day, and still get my work done."

'Look, I think she recognised you!'

Surface Tension

'It's for you.'

That's it young lady! You're grounded!

'Unbelievable money maker.'

"Oh, he's an alarmist. Trim his wick and he'll be fine."

Tea, Rex?

"Negotiations are useless. Let's just say whoever blinks first loses."

'Mia has three kids from her first marriage, one from her second, and two from her third. I've got four from my first marriage, one from my second, two from my third and one from my fourth. For our marriage, Mia and I have decided to cool it.'

"And so, then, you'll never guess what happened."

'This recruit thinks he can make the enemy die laughing.