Family Monitor Pillows

'Yeah, I still use old fashion Facebook. I gotta monitor what my parents are up to!'

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

A family with mustaches talking on their cellphones.

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"It's his emotional support animal."

Oh, no

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

What are we doing today? Installing raised beds. Then we'll plant them for a couple who want organic vegetables. Brilliant, Dad. Tree's Tree Nursery. You take the hard work out of gardening. Right. And give it to me! Right again!

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

'As you can see, it's a boy and he seems to be doing just fine.'

"I've been listening to your podcast. And though I agree with your opinion on deforestation and global warming, I strongly disagree with your claim that I overcook my pasta."

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

Origins Of Evolution

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

'Yes, technology has come a long way, but the baby won't have a touch screen.'

I think it's time he left home.'

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

"If it slows down, just ask my father about the murder he always swears he did not commit."

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

man juggling career, home and children

Look,that is not your Daddy

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

His real name is Jasper Underwood Farthington III...but we just call him 'Stinky'.

"Really, Mr. Stevens, this fantasy of being turned into a giant frog is absurd. We both know there's no such thing as a curse, and you can't seriously believe your mother-in-law is actually a witch. . ."

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

Waiting Room

"Just wait until my autobiographical one-woman show."

"Your mom is a little overprotective, isn't she?"