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'They always off the mom.'

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"They grow up so fast."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

Herman Mankiewicz

'The secret to doing a book report is only picking books that have been made in to movies.'

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

'Sure, a drawing on Facebook has coverage, but nothing wows the family like a spread on the fridge.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

Getting to Know You

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

Sign in book shop window: 'Critics agree the book is much better than the movie.'

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"Listen. Nobody's cuter than anyone else! You're all equally cute!"

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

I love my family!

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Spoiler alert."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"I'm sick of watching the same movie every day."

Mother's Love

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

It's a Boy

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Want to deal with some unresolved issues or just get another movie."

'I think babies grow in a mommy's tummy and adopted babies grow in a mommy's heart.'

"Why don't you just go and see this summer's feel-good movie?"

'What do you mean, 'pass the remote control'?... We're at the cinema!'

'Harlow, why can't you be passionate like Mel Gibson?'

"Everybody on the bus today was played by Anthony Hopkins."

Man writing at laptop says: 'It's a UK road movie ??" to give it more scale, I'm making the characters three inches tall.'

Quentin Tarantino

'No, when something blows up it doesn't buffer, that's just special effects.'