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Dysfunctional Family Tree

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

"Use your indoor gun."

The Observation Deck of Apartment 2-N

Lately I've had this creepy feeling that I understand my parents, but it's probably just Stockholm Syndrome.

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

Our Fine Family of Products.

"You the guy who advertised for a gal just like the gal who married dear old dad?"

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"Look son, I want you to have a great childhood. Here's five bucks - will that cover it?"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

Common Core Family Therapy

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

What are we doing today? Installing raised beds. Then we'll plant them for a couple who want organic vegetables. Brilliant, Dad. Tree's Tree Nursery. You take the hard work out of gardening. Right. And give it to me! Right again!

"Having nannies really changes you."

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

He wanted a different one.

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'