Family Conversationalist Pillows

"You've been avoiding me." "Have not, Uncle Mort." "For weeks, you've been dashing out of rooms as soon as I entered." "Coincidence." "What about when I knocked on your door yesterday and you jumped out the back window?" "Look, Uncle Mort, I just didn't want to go through what I went through in 1994." "I was just going to say one thing about the 30th anniversary of the OJ Simpson 'trial of the century!'" "You would think the 'trial of the century' would've been the Nuremberg trials!"

A family with mustaches talking on their cellphones.

Oh, no

"I've been listening to your podcast. And though I agree with your opinion on deforestation and global warming, I strongly disagree with your claim that I overcook my pasta."

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"I finally have an ailment that isn't so bad that I'm worried, but bad enough for me to complain about constantly"

"When I grow up, I want to impeach a president."

"Whadd ya wanna be for Halloween, Bro?"

"I'll have to go now, Penny. My boyfriend keeps wittering on about something or other!"

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'

'Oh...the IRS called. Something about an audit. I told them we weren't interested.'

"Has your mother called yet on the international situation?"

"I can't use the computer tonight -- Dad has to scroll to his year of birth."

"Moses, it's your mother. It's the only way I could get hold of you. You never call."

"Sick? No. Everything is fine. We're all just under the weather."

"Hello mother. . ."

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."

"The sourdough starter says it still believes Covid was a hoax."

"I prefer the term 'barista.'"

"No need to Whatsapp me dear, I'm right here."

'I would like to have a little talk with both of you!'

"I'm going to check out a couple of antiques." "Good luck with your breast exam."

'Now you call? Now that fierce competition has reduced long-distance to little more than a cheap, unprofitable commodity. Now you call your mother?'

"Jack and Nina's concern grew when their son, James, confided in them that his imaginary friend was, in fact, a short-tempered snapping turtle."

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in personal, supportive but not disempowering course?"

Teddy, do you know why I'm here? Want to, umm, ask me anything? So! That wraps it up! How did your "birds and bees" talk go? I answered all his questions.

"Your sobrino sure sounds happy...all because he kissed a girl?"

'What kinda nuts are we, Dad, rightwing or left?'

"A bum steer... Must be from your side of the family."

'Hello, is that the government? Yes, I was just wondering... is the lambada still forbidden?'

"Vegetarian" is such a predictable phase. You'll grow out of it. Teddy? A word please. Come on, dad! You know I'm right. You may be. But your sister is stubborn. She digs in her heels. So? You added 5 years to her predictable vegetarian phase. I didn't predict that. Best colleges for Vegetarians.

'I speak six languages fluently but I don't understand my teenager daughter.'