Family Business Humorist Pillows

"Dad, can I use the company airplane tonight?"

'We're from social services.'

"What makes you think you'd be the best candidate for this position. . . son?"

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Any questions?"

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."