Familial Diplomat Pillows

"Mom, this is Sarah, the friend I was telling you about."

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

"This happens everytime someone asks to speak to the head of the household."

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

Incompatible.

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

'Dear, you know how I hate it when you bring your work home.'

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

"I'm bilingual. I can talk to parents and step parents."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

'We're having an argument. Do you know any battle marches?'

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

"I am not ‘politicizing the issue’ — I simply asked you to pick up your room!"

'I know that other kids manage on ?5 pocket money - but their parents don't charge them to watch any television programme their parents don't happen to approve off!'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. It's written all over your face."

"I cede the remainder of my time to the ranking member."

Twice a year, Uncle Mort and Sadie Cohen have an official relationship talk. While this biannual conversation is scheduled by mutual consent under long-standing treaty, some participants engage grudgingly. Let's talk about our feelings. I don't feel like it. That's not a feeling, Snookums! Loophole!

What really happened on the EVER GIVEN

'It wasn't premeditated.

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

'Your three o'clock cancelled, we're still awaiting the Parson verdict, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'It's OK to take your work home with you. It's not OK to bring your home to work with you.'

"She leaves wooden-handled knives soaking in the dishwater all night long. Your Honor."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"The defense rests."

"Walking down here and asking if I can get you some more detergent from the store is just the beginning of my fence-mending agenda."

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"Why don't we compromise... you admit I'm right and I'll agree with you."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not just cleaning up - it's part of a conversation I'm having with Mum."