Evolution Irony Seeker Pillows

"I have serious doubts about the theory of evolution."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

Artisan hot dog stand has pigs tethered to it.

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

What do you think about this "too big to fail" stuff?

"I missed your last few words. Would you please mumble them again?"

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

The Red Carpet

"Barry stop!. . . I'm you! I'm Barry from 2008. I'm using a time machine to stop you from making an awful mistake!"

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Eurydice in prison

"I've never liked 'im - he's an attention seeker!"

"They say it's the last of the really big cattle drives, and I'm just glad I'm here to see it."

"The average citizen doesn't have a clue - or why would we keep getting re-elected?"

"I thought this was the Vermeer tour."

'A late payment and a friendly reminder cross paths in the mail.'

'We need to panic until common sense returns.'

"I always said I'd sleep when I'm dead, and yet here I am doing paperwork."

Lost and found - 'Can you desribe it?' (Queen being asked having lost her crown).

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"Beware of dog"

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

Local anaesthetic.

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

'I thought my people were happy, I know I was.

Greeting Card Shop: No Rhyme or Reason Cards.

'I get to work early and all I get are the worms.'

'I see we'll be sampling the wines of New Jersey this evening.'

...I'm here at the gruesome scene now. Yes, what began as a candlelight vigil,ended in mass tragedy when the thousands of moths in attendance became inexplicably drawn to each other's flames.

"They found culturally insensitive products in my kitchen."