Everyday Warrior Gifts

The Jerck Manual

'Got it!'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

Bernie the Monday morning quarterback meets David the Monday morning linebacker.

"Hoora! I made it through another day!"

'I'm playing 18 floors.'

'Sleep on your face again, Phil?'

"Damn! I keep waking up in the middle of the day."

Fathers are Heroes

"You have arrived at your destination."

'Misery is sleeping in late on Saturday morning then realizing it's only Wednesday...'

'My therapist defines insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.'

'That stuff kills 98% of household germs, but leaves the remaining 2% limping around enough to maintain your resistance.'

Do not feed the clerks.

"I took the road less travelled just to avoid the potholes."

Leaf blowers at dawn.

"These days, I'm mostly just legislating from the couch."

"...and you've got private use of it, so long as you don't exceed 10,000 mile per annum.'

Lunch-Hour Highlights

"Lunchward ho!"

A spider meal prepping

'Sleeping through Monday is the coward's way out!'

"I hope your day is going bad."

'Kate was running late for work and to make matters worse she put a ladder in her stockings'

"The meeting's over but it's so close to the end of the day. Let's just use our collective inertia and run out the clock."

Organic farm

"Watch him. His body says Monday but his face says Friday."

'At 11:00 you'll be putting your right hand in. At 11:01 you'll take it out, put it back in and at 11:02, shake it all about...'

I can always tell when it's near 5 o clock. Pritkin gets that Happy HOur look in his eyes.

The Twelve Labors of Hercules of Elmhurst

"Look at it this way -- in three years your roof could leak."

' Oh God ! not Friday again ! what happened to Saturday...Sunday...Monday...Tuesday....? '

'Wednesday wave.'

"I like Monday mornings...and Friday afternoons. But all that in-between stuff bums me out."

"I'm sorry - Mr Jensen is not in the office at this time."