Ethical Investors Pillows

'You can rest assured that our 'diet conscience' fund invests only in low-fat, low cholesterol food companies.'

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

"I feel I'm doing fine. My sense of net worth is way up this quarter."

A wiser and a better man

"And once we wipe out the disease, where does that leave us?"

IOC and human rights.

"And you call yourself a socially-responsible investment portfolio!"

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

Climate Crisis and the Banks

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

'The diagnostic computer says it's in your financial best interest to invest in the companies whose drugs you take.'

'But on the plus side, I felt better about owning a SUV as soon as I bought some oil stocks.'

'Excellent idea, Primrose...but will the public buy it?'

'To avoid any conflict, I've put my ethics in a blind trust.'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

'They're not our 'profits,' Mike. We like to think of them as the organic by-products of non-toxic capitalism!'

"Call me a pie-in-the-sky idealist, but I've always found it important to invest with a firm that reflects my values!"

'I'm doing my bit got the planet by investing in biofuels. . . Mind you, the fact that they'll have to strip-mine South America for crop space may well put a few noses out of joint.'

'Greed, wrath, envy and pride closed higher today, while lust, sloth and gluttony showed losses.'

'They're the angel of social conscience funds and his evil twin, greedy devil.'

"Your 401(k) is a low-risk investment, other than a few stocks that happen to finance the end of human civilization as we know it."

'Mr Hines, invest in two 'feel good' stocks, and call me in the morning.'

'Getting a big bonus to risk other people's money makes me wonder if I am part of a conspiracy.'

Investments: We have socially correct stocks, but 'wrong' usually pays better.

'And their financial E.K.G. shows that they are in excellent health.'

'It's not a spitoon. It's for scruples.'

"It seems to me it's a little unethical to recommend only ethical companies."

'I can still remember the days when you had a social conscience'.

'The top graph shows the patient's progress. The bottom one's the drug company's share price.'

Holistic Stocks, Inc.

'Our social conscience fund invests in companies that don't do animal testing.'

'Shall we accept not-so-special interet money?'

The Bull, the Bear, the Ant, and the Grasshopper