Enlightened Chew Toy Critic Gifts

I was allowed to chew this. But not that

"And for lot 27 we have another old tennis ball."

Why can't you just chew the squeaker out like normal dogs?

'A bone is a bone is a bone...'

'Fergie quits - chewing gum sales hit all time low!'

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'it's the last bite that worries me.'

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Med Brittle"

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

"If you're not a good boy, Santa will bring you only educational toys."

Candy Land for Adults

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

"I got horse dewormer..."

"There are mysteries up here on the 13th floor. Like who keeps locking the exit door? Why is that clock always 12 minutes fast? And who actually eats the liverwurst sandwiches from that machine?"

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"You forgot his tail."

"Ewww – Cabernet with tuna fish?"

'I hate chocolates that are gooey inside but I love Valentine's cards that are all gooey inside.'

"Our house wine is abominable."

Bar None

Squeaker Trophies

"Well, thanks for the box of raisins, but we can't promise you a very good Trick or Treat rating on Yelp."

'Owing to the very real threat of biscuit-related injuries, the snack of choice for meetings will now be blancmange.'

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

"In my day, we got bubblegum in our hair, not drones!"

'Chew each bite ten times? †I'm a busy man!'

Trump in Disappointing Halloween Candy

"I see the world as a giant chew toy."

"My dog chewed up my steering wheel. Then he started gnawing on my floor mats and now he bit off my seat belt. What do you recommend?"

'I had no idea a puppy could be so destructive.'

'Manna! Matzoh! If I knew the food would be so bad on this trip, I would have stayed in Egypt.'