English Football Aficionado Pillows

Sign: 'Gerrards Cross - Owens Volley'.

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

Punt Cake

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

If nobody had invented graphics

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Raheem Sterling

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

Football

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

Bears

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Big screen TV.

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

Kenny Dalglish

"All of a dither as per usual!"

"Next time you score show a little respect and don't spike uncle Frank so hard."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

'I told him if he didn't get here quick he'd miss out on all the beer and food.'

Mohamed Salah

"This crucial pre-game drill keeps you focused and eliminates distractions!"

'Oi, nobody gives me a kiss.'

Beer Order

'My ultimate goal is to do product promo in a popular Super Bowl T.V ad.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'