Engaged Friend Pillows

'She didn't marry him for his looks or personality - she needed his debts for a tax write-off!'

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

Couples' therapy

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Sorry, but my car is a hybrid and I wouldn't accept anything less in a husband.'

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

'...And do you John take Jennifer to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to write off on your taxes?'

"Yes ... no!"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

King Trump

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

"Oh darling! I just got your wonderful value added proposition! Of course I'll marry you!"

Novelist, writing her own vows... runs into writer's block.

"Don't you think we should wait to see the effects of the new tax code?"

'Don't try to sweet talk me, Eddie! You had your chance yesterday! We are through!'

Henceforth including, but expressly not limited to love and honor and cherish and ... These vows are light on romance, but they're iron-clad legally!

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

50,000 BC: The First Engagement Ring.

"Now, to continue our argument before we were interrupted..."

'I hear they wrote their own vows.'

"She's registered at Salomon Smith Barney."

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

"Hello there...! I'm your hardworking GOP Congressional Representative. I'm running for re-election and I would appreciate your support..."

"Do you, Amanda and John, promise to watch yourselves, mind your Ps and Qs, and generally step on eggshells in this marriage, in order to somehow keep it up and running for as long as possible?"

Donald Trump

"So I leave eggs on the ground, and then you come along and drop your whatever on them? That's your idea of romance?"