Endless Introducer Gifts

'... And now I shall pass you over to tonight's speaker who will give a brief summary of my introduction.'

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

"Dr Andrea Patterson; animal behaviour."

The inventor of the clock realizes his mistake

'You shouldn't be nervous about meeting my parents - you're more their age than mine!'

"What can you tell me about the meaning of death?"

"Please to meet you, though I'm sorry about the circumstances."

'I'm new up here...where are the men?'

'Why, yes, I am a Capricorn...how did you know?'

"Nope. No mistake. You’ve been booked... forever."

I'll have the endless breadsticks. By the way, where do I sleep? MENU.

'Thank you for that kind introduction, Ed, but frankly, I would've liked a little further ado.'

"Will somebody tell an interesting story so I can interrupt?"

"Sorry about the grime, Doc. I had to burn some bridges on my way here to keep the crazies from following me."

'Don't you wish sometimes there was something we could chase without catching up to it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Eddie, my heart's shaman!"

Scenic Route.

"Mom, Dad – this is Gloria."

"Eventually, Howard wants to dump himself in the Atlantic and serve as an artificial reef for fish."

'Sorry, but we've never gotten enough golfers here to make it worthwhile to put in a golf course.'

"- And my name is Teresa...Mother Teresa!"

'It never fails. As soon as I get in the bath, someone's at the door.'

"Joan has a 'young voice' for her age!"

They called him the Olympic Flame because he never went out.

"The End."

"This really is heaven - unlimited free calling minutes."

"Arnold, this is Tina Feldman, backlit."