End Of The Year Gifts

The pop-culture critic's annual existential crisis."

In basket-case.

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

21st century water cooler conversations.

"We're experienced an extraordinary amount of growth this year."

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

"I hate performance review season."

What My Day Feels Like

Annual profits,

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

The Salesman

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

Businessman in suit on beach with financial report and eyes cut out viewing impending storm.

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

"I can hardly wait...TWO WHOLE weeks without having to deal with mindless e-mails, incessant interruptions, boring meetings...."

"We've had a major development this year that I'm excited to share with the employees."

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Now this is my kind of green!'

"We've developed a five year plan that includes ample provisions for another five year plan if this one doesn't work."

'...and at this point I'm afraid the tax laws become totally theoretical.'

Smiling businessman with rising profits

"Consider this job a reality show where you work your butt off 14 hours a day. If you win, you'll get a paycheck and the chance to do it all over again next week."

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

But under a different accounting convention ...