Elderly Relatives Pillows

"He's complaining of chest pain, shortness of breath, cramps and dizziness. Do you sell earplugs?"

"These are all my financial papers - with the exception of the codes to my secret Swiss bank accounts, of course."

"Alexa...order my shopping!"

'GPS (Grandparent Positioning System)'

'She'll come round to the idea of a Granny Flat eventually.'

"How can we be over the hill - we can't even get up it."

Although no one wanted to admit it, Uncle Mort was starting to show his age.

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

'They're young hares, so it's OK for them to be a bit crazy in March, but thankfully, we've grown out of that!'

"We didn't forget your birthday, Aunt Edith. We just forgot that you're not dead."

"How appropriate. Antique magazines."

'Amazing isn't it - not long ago these lads would've been walking their pit bulls, not taking their old grannies for a stroll.'

"You wouldn't think they would allow language like that at a time when grandparents are likely to be watching."

Passive in Old Age

"Why didn't you give granny flowers...when she could water them herself?"

Old Vic / Adelphi Theatre

"A 12 month tour of the USA costs us less than staying at home for a year."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Holy smoke. What kind of frosting is that?"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"You got this, Nana."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Did you remember my mints?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

Speed Dating.

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."