Educational Reformist Gifts

"The state proficiency test results are in . . . so today's lesson is how to fill out welfare forms."

Department of ReEducation

'He has a learning disability all right - television!'

'How do we know this won't lead to sex trafficking?'

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

'What's play?'

Coronavirus Impact on Children

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

"Coronavirus, masks requirements, falling test scores, student violence - we need to be able to pray in school!"

Budget

"We've created a safe, nonjudgmental environment that will leave you child ill-prepared for real life."

'Personally - I'm against a four-day school week - I'm for a three-day school week. . .'

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

'Lessons have been learned.'

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

"In this one, references to everything have been deleted."

6th Grade Do-You-Own Research Fair

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

"Hold it right there! Our legislature is currently considering new measures to protect children from the insidious ravages of cell phones in schools!"

New dunce caps

'Exams were harder before the Renaissance.'

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

'The trouble with education is everyone knows how to teach, but nobody knows how to learn.'

'In a bizarre set of circumstances, the book salesman never showed up, but a drug rep is here with samples of Prozac.'

I channeled John Dewey. He says if you want to be a good teacher, don't teach reading and writing. Teach students.

'I gave up hope of receiving a Genius Grant years ago. Now I'm basically shooting for the less impressive Mediocrity Grant.'

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: 'Intellectual bigotry...Go ahead, blaspheme my holy scriptures, the media loves it...'

'Today in school we learned how to blame everything on the United States!'

Kate's first task as new principal was to right a number of wrongs.

Spell-Check Bee

"I'm holding George back this year because he's failed to forge a personal style."

'I think our mission statement should mention scholarship and attendance.'

"No textbooks. I'm strictly Web-fed."