Early Parenthood Pillows

'All right. I'll get forty winks, but not one wink more.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

A midwife holding a baby

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

"She's been so creative lately."

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

Low-Energy Drinks

"Even when he throws them on the floor, he doesn't want the peas and carrots to touch."

"Those are the names of your children? I went a different route...I memorized my kids' names."

'You don't have to explain the software to me. I wrote it while I was in the womb.'

Knight feeding his kids.

Rocking horse

'You must be very proud Daphne.'

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"When did she start crawling?"

A woman with a dog and a baby on a leash

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'