Dramatic Conversationalist Pillows

"Mother, take your time, I know this isn’t easy for you. But this is an important moment in our lives, so I will ask you one more time, what on earth did you do with my old comic books?!"

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

Now that we've invented language, let's talk about our relationship.

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

"An actor ... huh, that’s funny, because you look just like a waiter."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

John Galsworthy

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

A lesson in wit

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'We were made for each other...we hate the same TV shows.'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

"I think he should cut a deal and invite Paula Jones to join NATO."