Domestic Art Dealer Gifts

"Mom, will you help me take down my drawings? I'm selling my catalog."

Larry's used art

Great Chinese Dynasties

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think he was a celebrity."

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

Use your imagination.

Children's artwork exhibition.

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

Trilby - 'Je prong!'

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'

Misunderstood artist

Dynasties - Ping, Ching, Ming.

You had me at vintage.

"The Leonardos, the Raphaels, Titians, Veroneses, Giottos... Italy wants them back, all 427 of them."

'I highly recommend this painting if you're interested in art as an investment.'

Art Gallery.

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

"He's an abstract artist."

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

'It's a giant inkblot on loan from the psychiatrist who owns the unit next door.'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

'Who are you kidding? This is a wind-up isn't it!'

"Definitive." "Compelling." "Persuasive." "Upside down."

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

"Good, clean art from the Molly Murphy Collection"

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'