Domestic Art Dealer Gifts

"Mom, will you help me take down my drawings? I'm selling my catalog."

Larry's used art

Great Chinese Dynasties

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

"I think he was a celebrity."

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Use your imagination.

Children's artwork exhibition.

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

Misunderstood artist

Trilby - 'Je prong!'

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'

You had me at vintage.

"The Leonardos, the Raphaels, Titians, Veroneses, Giottos... Italy wants them back, all 427 of them."

Dynasties - Ping, Ching, Ming.

'I highly recommend this painting if you're interested in art as an investment.'

Museum. Hours. You're donating your collection of pre-Columbian art? Yes! What's Mayan is yours!

Art Gallery.

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

"He's an abstract artist."

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

'It's a giant inkblot on loan from the psychiatrist who owns the unit next door.'

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

"Definitive." "Compelling." "Persuasive." "Upside down."

'Who are you kidding? This is a wind-up isn't it!'

"Good, clean art from the Molly Murphy Collection"