Doggie Date Planner T-Shirts

"I hide his phone before we go on walks. That way I have his undivided attention."

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

Pet Shop: "I think I've found one for me."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

"You like long walks in electrical storms too? Wow! We get a charge out of the same things."

'Max and I have a give and take relationship. He sniffs my butt...and I let him.'

"Here's something for all you animal lovers out there..."

'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

'I'm ready! You ready?...You ready?'

"If you don't make up your mind who's taking me out, I'll do it right here."

'I want a dog who will fetch my things, so don't sell me one that drools.'

'Pardon?'

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

"The sign said 'No Shoes, No Service.' This could be a long wait."

"The usual. Dinner and a show...He bought dinner and I put on a show for him."

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

'My boyfriend is meeting me when I hit the ground.'

'I'm not complaining, but the last time you took me out to dinner, Colonel Sanders was a brunette!'

'Look - forget I asked if you were free any evenings...'

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

"My mom set up this blind date, but then again, her favorite TV show is 'Beauty and the Beast'."

'This beeper goes off when it's my Birthday. This beeper goes off on the day we met. This beeper goes off on Valentine's Day...'

"Thanks for a lovely evening, fancy coming in for some nitrous oxide?"

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

"Once I finish obedience school, I plan to stray around Europe for a year."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor, he's a big tennis guy."

"Yes, he’s very excited to meet your Fifi."

"Mike, are you sure you want to eat here? There's something funny about this place."

Dinner

"Maybe we should go to my place after all!"

"Sorry, my mum asked me to babysit my brother at the last minute..."

'Your double Impresso sir.'

'I take it your romantic dinner isn't going well. . .'

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.