Dog Lover Gifts

"It's always 'Sit,' 'Stay,' 'Heel'—never 'Think,' 'Innovate,' 'Be yourself.' "

"What I like most about being a dog is all the free time."

"Howard, I think the dog wants to go out."

"Well, I think you're wonderful."

"They moved my bowl."

"Is the homework fresh?"

"Is there any chance of getting my testicles back?"

"For Heaven's sake, why don't you go outdoors and trace something?"

"Meow."

"You can't plead cute."

"All dogs go to Heaven, because we're not the ones who screwed up."

"What the hell did you do with your day before I retired?"

'You have just one more wish. Are you sure you want another belly-rub?'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

Dogs have name tags on their rear ends.

"Surprise!"

"It's just a theory, but perhaps it's their opposable thumbs that makes them crazy."

Dog using MP3 player scowls at dog that's still listening to gramophone player.

A fire hydrant pees on a dog.

'And if you ever did catch your tail, are you sure it would make you happy?'

"Perhaps we're overthinking the situation."

"We need to talk about your diet."

"Toilet or tap?"

"He's a working dog, but I don't know what he does."

"The court is sorry that it raised its voice."

'And then I just hit delete. I haven't actually eaten any homework in years.'

"Scotch and toilet water?"

Disaster plan.

Dog Realtor

"Yes, you're my best friend, and no, I'm not lending you forty thousand dollars."

'Does your dog bite?' 'Oh, please, please, please, boss, let me handle this one!'

'Have you considered Botox?'

"So you're still working from home then?"

"Thanks, anyways. But I think I'm just gonna poop somewhere in the house tonight."

"Bad dog! What'd I say about relying on the Internet for medical advice?"