Doctor's Day Comedian Pillows

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'I need to borrow your Ph.D. for a half hour tomorrow. I have a major problem to solve.'

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

Nurse pushing the Grim Reaper out of the Surgery room.

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

What Do Doctors Dream About?

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."