Doctor's Day Comedian Pillows

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'I need to borrow your Ph.D. for a half hour tomorrow. I have a major problem to solve.'

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

Nurse pushing the Grim Reaper out of the Surgery room.

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

What Do Doctors Dream About?

My diagnosis? Restless tongue syndrome.

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"Watch carefully...it hurts when I do this."

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

World Cup Fever