Comedy Doctor Pillows

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

'I had this two years ago.'

'You've got lot toe!'

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet.

"There are some things medical science cannot explain...like where the hell our health care system is heading."

Calm down...this is for your own good.

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

' 'Peppermint thumb' is one of our toughest cases to cure.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

'Every new neurosurgery intern has to make the joke about the patient having an 'open mind' but then they get over it.'

"It's for his shakes."

If I'm a hypochondriac, what does that make YOU?

'And now, this warning from the Surgeon-General... THINK FAST!'

Jugular Vein

Nil By Ear

'Perhaps we should start off with an underwear transplant.'