Doctor's Confidant Pillows

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

Licensed Therapist

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

'I know he doesn't like this house, but he'll just have to get used to it.'

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

Time for tea and friendship.

"Who's a good boy? You're a good boy."

"Your love gives me strength."

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

Of course your master calls you 'Man's best friend'. As your attorney I advise you to get it in writing.

"You're missing the whole gestalt of Frisbee!"

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

'You know, if you had one of those bumper stickers, I wouldn't be in doggy-therapy.'

"Nobody listens to me complain quite like you do."

"I've been getting really excited about squirrels even when my dog isn't with me."

Personal Assistants.

"So tell me more about the dog sitter."

Spa Dog

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

"He's anxious to resume perpetrating his usual activities."

"Seminary didn't prepare me for this."

"It's my box of secrets. It has things I've thought about but would never tell anyone!"

'Don't get me wrong, the professional dog-walker is nice, but it is not really the same as if my Master was walking me...'

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

"I feel like my emotional baggage is permanently stuck on the luggage carousel."

"Glen, I'm not just your editor. I'm also your best friend, and I'm telling you, lose the cat."

'My wife doesn't understand us.'

'I'm always like this, and my family was wondering if you could prescribe a mild depressant.'

"I know she's only pretending to throw the ball but I still run for it."

'When you perform the surgery, please don't remove any of my untapped potential.'

"So tell me, what exactly does fear smell like?"