Divine Financiers Pillows

'I see you've laid up for yourselves treasures in heaven. Is this some sort of tax dodge?'

'It's not for myself, you understand."

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

Saving for Retirement.

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

'I caught one, I actually caught one.'

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

Vicar's driving lesson "Here endeth the first lesson!"

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

To err is human, but to have your stocks recover from a plummet is divine.

The Bible, signed copy.

'Do you ever wonder about this whole 'money' thing?'

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'

Stockbrokers - The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

God's Writers Block

'We put the little old lady of Threadneedle Street into a care home.'

'In life I was scorned for worshipping the Almighty Dollar.'

Sell the Universe !

"I take it you've never had a bank account before?"

Prophets are up.

"Be mindful of the pennies and the pounds will be mindful of themselves."

The Stock Market Giveth. . . The Stock Market Taketh Away.

'I'll be seeing you again right after our Quarterly Earnings Report.'

'Intriguing theory, Dr. Kleinherz, but the fact that the Universe is expanding doesn't necessarily mean that God is a capitalist.'

City Broker Requires Dealer Who Can Keep Wicket

'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'

'I used to think I couldn't serve both God and Mammon, and then I discovered multitasking!'

" 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe fifty basis points."

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"You state here that God is the head of your organization. Any chance you could get Him to co-sign this application?"

"Yes, reverend, all our stocks are faith-based.2

'The buck stops here'