Distance Delighter Pillows

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"It's so relaxing watching the clouds change shape as they drift by. You could almost forget you're a dog. Is it my imagination… or does that cloud look a bit like a cat? Arf! Arf! Arf!"

'Do I like kids? You bet I do: I deliver babies for a living...'

"Hey, Al! What do you know about shelf life?"

'Our top theologians have studied the issue, Your Majesty, and they agree that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.'

Zoom Wedding

"I dreamed last night that I had a job within walking distance."

'You won't need a desk since you'll be delegating everything.'

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

Finish line extended 20 miles.

Magazine Stand at the Pearly Gates

Schenker discovers the true essence of humanity

Early Goths.

'These are natural and organic ... two slabs of hog's bacon deep fried in crispy batter and dipped in chocolate.'

Gone out.Your custard pie's in the oven.

'Stressed' Spelled Backwards is 'desserts'

"Would you say the tuna salad kicks ass?"

The Why-Can't-This-Event-Be-In-Miles-Like-Other-Sports-In-This-Country 10K

'Some gagwriter you turned out to be!'

M.D. If you really want to lose weight, you should switch back to the hook.

'You're taller than I expected.' - 'I'm standing on my blisters.'

Restaurant - Free lunch!* *plus $29.95 service charge for shipping and handling.

Extreme sports Society - doorbell reads, 'Massive buzz'.

The Followup?

'So, I'm deluded am I? You're just jealous because that, hot young waitress keeps coming on to me.'

Gentleman's relish...

"You hired a lawyer to draft a summary of your report card?"

'Aren't you going to add a disclaimer?'