Discussing Workplace Policies Pillows

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

'The recession is over, again.'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"You calm down."

"Take special note of the change to our policy on honesty."

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

Scars and Bars

The state off graduates literacy levels is shoking and both my coleegues agree that there maths isn't much better!

"In a just world we'd have 'No Lawyer Left Behind'."

"No, a dressing down day isn't an opportunity to bollock the staff."

Cog-In-The-Wheel

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

'How can they call it a shared sacrifice in this bad economy...when your pay cut was 10% and mine, 25%?!'

"Either accept the pay reduction or you get sent down to the minors."

"People are always banging on about the advantages of 'so-called' diversity."

'Have you heard about the new Medicare drug plan called plan C? Medicare gives you $30 for a bus ticket to Canada!'

Uncle Sam and health care.

A case of runaway forklift Doctor. Do we offer him any compensation?

"Our policy regarding paid vacations is - if you take a vacation, you'll pay for it."

'Hmmphhhh ... High on Life. Now that's something the government ought to regulate.'

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

'Forget about me - what can you tell me about the new CEO coming on board?'

'You're the very first employee to register your complaint via my 'open door' policy.'

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

"No, we don't have a pension plan. We don't expect our employees to ever retire."

Rudy, from now on I'm going to answer all employee requests through Twitter. Publicly? Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. That's right. If you have a valid request, you should have no problem with the entire world hearing it. Now, what was that again about you needing time off for a proctology appointment? Never mind. Hold on ... composing a tweet ... How do you spell "polyp" again?

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

'I'd like to sue my way to success.'

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'I can't give you a raise... but I can rent you a cubicle.'