Dining Experience Critic Gifts

'Good evening! I'll be your server tonight. Can I start you with the first of many 'How's everything?''

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"Is the MSG local?"

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Great coffee, Carole."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Expense account or regular?"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Can I interest you in a great white?"