Digital Etiquette Trainer Gifts

"OK, gotta go...hey, why is everyone at my table singing the Hallelujah chorus?"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'Don't get up!'

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

'One year of obedience school and he still doesn't know which one is the dessert fork.'

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

'Dear Miss Etiquette, I'm never sure if I should say anything...'

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

"Hey, it's me. I just sent you a text message responding to your e-mail saying that I should IM you."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"I can never remember, how much do we tip?"

"This is Jim's second speech on how not to make people mad by talking on your phone. I missed his first speech."

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."