Digital Doubters Gifts

"They're books, Dad needs them for reading."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Stinkin' fake news!"

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

The Proust of Twitter

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"I had a great weekend... My Grandpa talked about the war again and my Dad about his most daring facebook comments!"

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

"Sorry? I wasn't listening."

'It's true -- we DO communicate better in a chat room.'

'I can watch T.V. shows on the computer, so who needs a TV?'

'When the school upgraded its operating system, for the third time, I upgraded my headache medicine from over-the-counter to prescription strength.'

I can't keep up, Randy. What happened, little buddy? You know how I created a hate-bot to automate my back you up in online arguments business? Don't tell me: The Russian troll farms beat you to it. No. My hate-bot became sentient and created an even snarkier hate-bot. Mankind is officially obsolete. For an extra $1, the HB-1000 will throw in racism and misogyny.

Philosophie.fr Bulletin Board - 1936

"Sorry, Man! I had no idea Alexa would be here!"

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

"I can tell you about this article or you can just read the comments online."

Door labelled: 'False Economy Analysis & Research.'

"Siri, are you out of your mind?!"

'I can't get the hang of this cloud computing...'

"I know you're wrong, I just can't get the computer to say it yet."

"Not now, honey. Daddy's arguing with strangers about the sexual orientation of puppets."

The Screeeen!

'I don't surf the net, I just kind of dog-paddle through it.'

"On a scale of one to ten. How happy would you say you are?"

Santa's grotto advertising 'Talk to Santa', is next to a diet clinic with a sign in the window, 'Santa, talk to us.'

Rudy, be reasonable. We can't have a functioning media if everyone starts putting up their own stories on the web. We need professional ethics. We need editing. We need fact-checking. We need

'That brush - how many dpi?'

'Don't internalise that simmering rage -- get it out of your system on website comments sections.'

"Yeah yeah, nice, but how many online followers do you have?"

"The hive mind has reached a consensus about 'Wolverine'."

'He's at the 'awkward stage' in converting to paperless so he carries both a laptop and a briefcase.'

"Ugh... Jerry Saltz is totally junking up my feed again."

I'm sorry I couldn't come up with a reason for you to live, Al. I blame it on the fact that I got my medical degree from Trump University.