Dieting Delayer Pillows

She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodneys retirement party due in only 12 years

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

In the Guru District

"Good For You / Bad For You"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'You've hit the fitness plateau.'

Any time is cake o'clock

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

"Where do we put Desserts?"

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

On the back of the t-shirt...

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

Bad for you but to die for

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

How about going easy on the carbs

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

The Jolly Green Giant Squid