Diet Paradox Lover T-Shirts

'Chef's salad as ordered.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"Statins. I got statins. Who needs statins?"

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'Are we having fun yet?'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

Obesity Report

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

'Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

"Ready to head back?"

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'