Diet Hilarity Aficionado Gifts

"It's not fair, you only take me out when you know I'm dieting!"

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

"If you want fiber, madame, I suggest you eat the menu."

'...We only eat dry cat food out here.'

'No! No! - it's an ELASTIC band I want!'

'Looking at the stars makes me feel small. I'm going off of my diet.'

Excess Baggage: From the 'Travel Promises that never meant to be kept' department.

"Can you get on the scale please? I'm on a diet and need to monitor my food intake..."

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

'The diet plate is just like the regular plate, M'sieur, except that you have to eat it through a tennis racquet.'

'So? -- What could be more Zen than empty calories?'

"Unbelievable! Even Internet cookies made me gain weight."